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... a Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Thomas)
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular blonde and a fat old lady. After a while the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That American SOB wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face..." The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The American thought - "That fu@king Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me!". The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that American again".
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to andresito)
Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play.
"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"
The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
HaHaHaHa! Tom!!
Jeez...that's the best one I've heard for about a year!
Brilliant!
This is not really a joke, but a bit of an anecdote I heard on the radio from an old guy John Mortimer who spent his whole life as a lawyer in the highest courts in the land.
So this lawyer asked the lady witness..... "And what did the accused say to you exactly?" She replied, "Oh...I couldn't possibly repeat it here...it was absolute filth". The Judge remarked that maybe she would find it easier to write down, so a pencil and paper were brought. She wrote down the words "Fancy a screw later?" The Judge instructed that the note be passed to the Jury, who each in turn read it and passed it to the next. One lady juror read it and passed it to the next, quite elderly juror who happened to be asleep. She dug him in the ribs with her elbow and stuck the note in his hand. He woke with a start, read the note, looked at the woman, folded it up and put it in his pocket. The Judge bellowed, "Kindly pass that piece of paper back to the bench!" "Oh...of no relevance your Honor", he said, "Purely a private matter".
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Ron.M)
Thank you thank you. I've got a million of em'. There's more where that came from. I just don't know what the limits are. Don't want to post any that are too "R" rated.
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."
He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.
"Now watch," says the voice.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
Posts: 271
Joined: Jun. 30 2004
From: West Palm Beach, Florida USA
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Thomas)
Here is a good one.
ethel and her wheelchair
>Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge >around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to >maximum speed on the long corridors. >Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other >residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. >One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and >Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he >shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel >fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held >it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. >As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold >popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of >insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and >held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' >As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front >of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, >good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Posts: 833
Joined: Oct. 29 2006
From: Olympia, WA in the Great Pacific Northwest
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Thomas)
All good stuff, folks, though Tom is out in front by a length.
First joke I ever learned (the only joke, actually):
“Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.”
This was back in the mid-seventies, when “juice” was commonly accepted American slang for automobile fuel. I don’t think this one would play too well here in the 21st century.
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Thomas)
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”
“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?" The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."
Posts: 15725
Joined: Dec. 14 2004
From: Washington DC
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Thomas)
A wealthy business man has been juggling 3 girlfriends for a while, and decides it is finally time to settle down, start a family, etc. But he can't decide which girl to marry. He gives them each a large sum of money to see what they do with it.
The first girlfriend takes the money and buys some fancy jewelry and some sexy clothes, underwear, etc. She tells him, "I want to look good for you".
The second girlfriend took the money and bought a new minivan. "I was thinking about our future as a family".
The third girlfriend took the money, invested in some good stocks, made a profit, and gave him his money back plus extra. "I wanted to show you that I can be responsible with our finances and think of our future together".
Posts: 2277
Joined: Apr. 17 2007
From: South East England
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Escribano)
quote:
Not sure if Americans will get this one
not just Americans.... probably being a bit dim
Winner for me was flamencoguru, closely followed by andresito. Tho Tom you get points for so many contributions! Actually your last one was pretty good too.
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Ricardo)
quote:
A wealthy business man has been juggling 3 girlfriends for a while, and decides it is finally time to settle down, start a family, etc. But he can't decide which girl to marry. He gives them each a large sum of money to see what they do with it.
The first girlfriend takes the money and buys some fancy jewelry and some sexy clothes, underwear, etc. She tells him, "I want to look good for you".
The second girlfriend took the money and bought a new minivan. "I was thinking about our future as a family".
The third girlfriend took the money, invested in some good stocks, made a profit, and gave him his money back plus extra. "I wanted to show you that I can be responsible with our finances and think of our future together".
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
Two bored brothers living in rural Scotland invented this game to pass the evening... Each one has to go to his room with a bottle of whisky and close the door. The first one to finish his bottle has to come out and chap the other's door and he's got to guess who it is.
Posts: 1827
Joined: Jul. 8 2003
From: Living in Granada, Andalucía
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Estevan)
I was told this joke by a blind friend of mine who does stand up comedy. You could substitute any nationality though :)
An American women in London is in a taxi. When they pull up at the traffic lights she asks the driver what the beeping sound is. The driver replies that it's to warn blind people so they know the lights are on red. "Oh" says the American " In my country we dont let blind people drive".
Posts: 1827
Joined: Jul. 8 2003
From: Living in Granada, Andalucía
RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Estevan)
And just to be fair here's one for the Spanish, the Granadinos to be precise.
God was showing off to his son Jesus all the work he had done creating the world. When he came to the city of Granada Jesus spoke up " Father this is amazing, a beautiful castle, surrounded by towering mountains, flowing rivers, amazing sunsets, you have created paradise on earth"
"Ah' says God "but you haven't met the people yet "
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