Patrick -> RE: soundportparty in my patio (Jul. 28 2009 10:59:22)
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I can’t stand this anymore! You guys really are quite clueless about this port thing, but I can understand, as you guys just don't know anything, but I on the other hand. You see, you can't just blindly drill a hole in the side of your guitar and expect it to be anything close to perfect. What you guys don't understand is you need to "tune" your ports. I have no intention of repeating myself, so read closely. I have never revealed my secret port tuning methods before, but you people are so ignorant you won't use (or remember) them anyway, but that's another story. OK here goes. The secret to proper port tuning is "Salt", but not just any salt. You must obtain salt from the Satan Sea, obtained only at midnight of the infernal equinox on leap years only. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. Any other salt will not work. Once this valuable ingredient is obtained, it must be stored in a hermetically sealed mason jar. The tuning method involves placing a small amount of salt on your index finger tip and very carefully rubbing the exposed edge of the port. Now of course it is not that simple. It has taken me well over fifty years to master my special port tuning methods, but you have an opportunity of a lifetime. I am putting together a one week intensive “Port Tuning Workshop” to be held in a very remote, secret location, to be revealed only after sending your deposit. I will only accept five pre screened individuals that I feel are worthy. You must send 500 US dollars (non refundable if you are refused) along with a current curriculum vita. All accepted applicants will be placed in a lottery for the coveted five spots. Total cost of the workshop is $5,000 US, plus room and board and transportation. I humbly wait your reply.
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