A grasshopper walks into a bar.

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RobF

Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug. 24 2017

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “We don’t see too many grasshoppers in here...hey, ya know we have a drink named after you?”

Grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘George’?”

Kaaaa-dah-thumpppp....

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 26 2021 5:31:39

RobF

Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug. 24 2017

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

...Crickets....

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 26 2021 5:32:45

RobF

Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug. 24 2017

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

A string is about to walk into a bar when he sees a sign saying “Strings not served here!”

So, he ties himself into a bow and frazzles up his ends and walks in.

Bartender says, “Sayyy....aren’t you a string?”

String replies, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

...Cymbal falls off stand....

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 26 2021 5:34:09

RobF

Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug. 24 2017

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

An old guy shuffles into a bar and asks for a drink to go.

Bartender says, “Here ya go, buddy. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Old guy looks offended and yells, “I’ve got false teeth! Isn’t that bad enough??”

...I’ve got more, but they don’t get any better....

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 26 2021 5:44:04

BarkellWH

Posts: 3458
Joined: Jul. 12 2009
From: Washington, DC

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

Henry Ford dies and appears before Saint Peter attempting to gain entry to heaven.

Saint Peter: "In order to enter heaven you must have done something worthwhile during your life on earth. What have you done?"

Henry Ford: "I invented the mass-produced automobile. What did you do to earn your exalted position guarding the gates of heaven?"

Saint Peter: "I invented woman."

Henry Ford: "Not bad engineering, but you placed the intake a little too close to the exhaust."

Bill

_____________________________

And the end of the fight is a tombstone white,
With the name of the late deceased,
And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here,
Who tried to hustle the East."

--Rudyard Kipling

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 26 2021 12:46:43

rombsix

Posts: 7808
Joined: Jan. 11 2006
From: Beirut, Lebanon

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

quote:

An old guy shuffles into a bar and asks for a drink to go.

Bartender says, “Here ya go, buddy. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Old guy looks offended and yells, “I’ve got false teeth! Isn’t that bad enough??”

I didn't get this one...

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Ramzi

http://www.youtube.com/rombsix

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 4:23:31

Richard Jernigan

Posts: 3430
Joined: Jan. 20 2004
From: Austin, Texas USA

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to BarkellWH)

A New Yorker walks into a hotel bar in Texas. A Texan at the bar is soon bending his ear about the superiority of the state, especially about how everything is bigger there.

After four double shots of whiskey, the northerner asks directions to the men's room.

"Out that door, down the hall. Through the door to the outside, turn left at the swimming pool."

In his somewhat elevated state, the New Yorker misses his footing and falls into the pool.

After a half hour the Texan begins to be concerned. He follows the path to the men's room. Arriving at poolside he finds the New Yorker thrashing about in the water, crying out, "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

RNJ

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 4:53:33

Escribano

Posts: 6415
Joined: Jul. 6 2003
From: England, living in Italy

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to rombsix)

quote:

I didn't get this one...

For his bladder

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REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 9:37:59

rombsix

Posts: 7808
Joined: Jan. 11 2006
From: Beirut, Lebanon

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to Escribano)

quote:

For his bladder

Ufff... that was far-fetched. In my part of the world, people pee in plastic bottles, not nylon bags (as we call them).

But on a similar note, Lebanese people make jokes about Syrian people from Homs as being very dumb folks. (Of course, they're not all that way, so whoaaaa there tiger, in case you're hyper-sensitive)

One time my cousin was there and bought some milk at a store (that came in a glass bottle). My cousin asked the store clerk to put the milk in a plastic bag for him so he could carry the bottle more easily.

The clerk proceeded to empty the actual milk from the sealed glass bottle directly into the plastic bag then gave him the wobbly plastic bag full of milk.

_____________________________

Ramzi

http://www.youtube.com/rombsix

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 13:53:58

BarkellWH

Posts: 3458
Joined: Jul. 12 2009
From: Washington, DC

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to BarkellWH)

Those who remember Charo in her heyday (who, by the way, was and is a very good guitarist) will recall her use of salty language. She once equated eating with sex by noting: "Spooning leads to forking!"

Words to live by, especially with her accent.

Bill

_____________________________

And the end of the fight is a tombstone white,
With the name of the late deceased,
And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here,
Who tried to hustle the East."

--Rudyard Kipling

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 14:32:55

RobF

Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug. 24 2017

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to rombsix)

quote:

Ufff... that was far-fetched.... But on a similar note, Lebanese people make jokes about Syrian people from Homs...

Normally I shy away from explaining my bad jokes, but in this case the reference was to a part of the male anatomy. But, maybe it is a regional thing (...another joke, hehehe....nether).

In truth, the jokes were just a vehicle for the thread, which was a mini vignette about a comedian bombing at a club. I dunno, it was 3AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep, lol.

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 17:49:54

Estevan

Posts: 1936
Joined: Dec. 20 2006
From: Torontolucía

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

quote:

Normally I shy away from explaining my bad jokes, but in this case the reference was to a part of the male anatomy. But, maybe it is a regional thing (...another joke, hehehe....nether).

Indeed, not just the 'nether regions' but the Netherlands. I first came across what I think is the original version of this plastic bag/false teeth quip in a passage from a short story by a Dutch author, whose name escapes me, who (iirc) was particularly associated with portrayals of Amsterdam characters.
This one was a retort by a cranky vendor at a fruit stall to a customer who was buying some apples and asked "Do you have a plastic bag?" "No!" he replied "I have false teeth, isn't that bad enough?"
(That way it actually makes more sense). I laughed a lot.

By the way folks, RobF is here all week...

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Me da igual. La música es música.

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 27 2021 23:35:50

estebanana

Posts: 9351
Joined: Oct. 16 2009

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to BarkellWH)

quote:

Henry Ford dies and appears before Saint Peter attempting to gain entry to heaven.

Saint Peter: "In order to enter heaven you must have done something worthwhile during your life on earth. What have you done?"

Henry Ford: "I invented the mass-produced automobile. What did you do to earn your exalted position guarding the gates of heaven?"

Saint Peter: "I invented woman."

Henry Ford: "Not bad engineering, but you placed the intake a little too close to the exhaust."

Bill

_____________________________

There’s a coda to this joke, if I may:

SP- Well Mr. Ford, the performance depends upon your dexterity with the stick. Now then, do you have a reservation here?

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https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com

REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 28 2021 0:48:13

estebanana

Posts: 9351
Joined: Oct. 16 2009

RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (in reply to RobF)

Always hike with a friend for mutual safety, the buddy system saves lives. For example when you are attacked by a bear there’s no need to run faster than the bear if you are to survive the attack, you simply have to run faster than your friend.

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REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE | Date Apr. 28 2021 0:53:35