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Being in a relationship and staying focused on one's art ?   You are logged in as Guest
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flaco

 

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan. 13 2015
From: Cosmos

Being in a relationship and staying ... 

Well,

It's kinda late here and I feel the need about writing some heart-broked non-sense.

After all those vain hopes I've put in so few relationships with women, thinking that it is something truly sacred, I can only say that, so far, I appear to fail everytime.
The only healthy relation I ever had was with music, that I learned to "understand", which result to a deep and unconditional love.
Same with my conception of what we might call "God", God, that I believe is comunicating with each of us, through our art, as long as you have a pure demarche.
Miyamoto Musashi said :
quote:

One shouldn't be attached to objects/tools.


But the more I make my way through music/lutherie, the more it appears to me that a guitar is not only a tool or an ordinary object, it can be so but it can also be a powerful and wonderful companion for life.
I am living without any money income since January and a guitar (which wasn't mine) fed me most of the time, those last months.
And yet, when I am in a relationship with a woman I make a lot of compromises for my (human) lady and don't practice so much my guitar.

So here's my questions to everybody,
is this possible to aim a particularly good level in Flamenco or in any other art while being deeply in love with somebody ?
Today I couldn't do my daily exercises because I was thinking about somebody all day long...

Should I concider Flamenco and Lutherie before my relationship with a woman ?
Now that my girlfriend broke with me, I feel kinda silly now regarding my musical improvements, since they are really small.
Music (and especially Flamenco) has a religious/mystical dimention to me but my inner instinct often pulls me back in whatever art I tend to practice.

I know I am really young for such questions but I had more problems in life this past year than in the rest of my life for a lot of reasons and this is a question I would like to get done with.
Because I know somewhere that music will help me more in my life than relationships.
Or maybe, the best I can hope is to be with somebody sharing my passion for Flamenco or lutherie ?

How do you manage your (love) relationship with somebody while staying focused on your art ?
Is this possible to not lost the focus on what you did, do and will do, while being in love ?

I know it's pretty strange to post such things on a forum (and it makes me a little bit uncomfortable) but I am seeking here for your wisdom, not specially to get out with a clear answer but to have a little light in the actual darkness of my mind...

Thank you and enjoy your day :)

_____________________________

Gracias a Dios, tenemos el Flamenco !
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 0:41:07
 
n85ae

 

Posts: 865
Joined: Sep. 7 2006
 

[Deleted] 

Post has been moved to the Recycle Bin at May 29 2015 1:07:12
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 1:06:27
 
Leñador

Posts: 5237
Joined: Jun. 8 2012
From: Los Angeles

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Here's how you should prioritize your life right now, being young and single.
1. Career
2. Hobbies
3. Music EDIT; this was supposed to say women lolol, hobbies is music......

If you get more and more serious with a girl you can let her eat into your hobby time more and more but she can NOT rule your life.

_____________________________

\m/
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 1:41:12
 
norumba2

 

Posts: 37
Joined: May 20 2015
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

find a woman who supports your dreams and interests and passions. she doesnt have to go to every gig, but she should love and accept who and what you are. I went though a divorce after 22 years, because that was not there.
it is now, and im very blessed!

_____________________________

guitar - oud- fretless guitar
http://www.norumba.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 6:26:22
 
Ricardo

Posts: 13331
Joined: Dec. 14 2004
From: Washington DC

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

quote:

But the more I make my way through music/lutherie, the more it appears to me that a guitar is not only a tool or an ordinary object, it can be so but it can also be a powerful and wonderful companion for life.
I am living without any money income since January and a guitar (which wasn't mine) fed me most of the time, those last months.
And yet, when I am in a relationship with a woman I make a lot of compromises for my (human) lady and don't practice so much my guitar.


Not clear if you imply the guitar "fed" you since january because you actually play out and make some $ with your guitar, or if you mean metaphorically as in "fed your soul" ie, made you feel better about being unemployed? I ask because it is absolutely significant to your main question.

Ricardo

_____________________________

CD's and transcriptions available here:
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  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 16:40:33
 
BarkellWH

Posts: 3308
Joined: Jul. 12 2009
From: Washington, DC

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

quote:

But the more I make my way through music/lutherie, the more it appears to me that a guitar is not only a tool or an ordinary object, it can be so but it can also be a powerful and wonderful companion for life. I am living without any money income since January and a guitar (which wasn't mine) fed me most of the time, those last months. And yet, when I am in a relationship with a woman I make a lot of compromises for my (human) lady and don't practice so much my guitar.


A guitar definitely can be a powerful and wonderful companion for life, whether one plays it professionally or as an avocation, played for one's own enjoyment. It can bring great joy, and it can provide solace when the chips are down. But the same can be said for a woman, one who can be a wonderful companion for life bringing joy and solace as well.

It is unclear to me what you want to do with the guitar. You obviously strive to learn and play it well, but do you want to be a professional guitarist or do you want to reach a high level of ability for your own enjoyment?

Here's my take on your post: If you are seriously striving to be a professional guitarist and that is what you want to do with your life, I would not let anything stand in the way. On the other hand, if you want to play the guitar well as an avocation but plan to make your living via other means, I wouldn't be afraid to make a few compromises.

Bill

_____________________________

And the end of the fight is a tombstone white,
With the name of the late deceased,
And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here,
Who tried to hustle the East."

--Rudyard Kipling
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 17:04:58
 
flaco

 

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan. 13 2015
From: Cosmos

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Ricardo

quote:

Not clear if you imply the guitar "fed" you since january because you actually play out and make some $ with your guitar, or if you mean metaphorically as in "fed your soul" ie, made you feel better about being unemployed? I ask because it is absolutely significant to your main question.


Well, it fed my soul and I'm not feeling bad for being unemployed.
But yeah, I made money by playing on the street and then was able to eat for the day, what I meant is that without this guitar it would have been more difficult to eat.

quote:

Here's my take on your post: If you are seriously striving to be a professional guitarist and that is what you want to do with your life, I would not let anything stand in the way. On the other hand, if you want to play the guitar well as an avocation but plan to make your living via other means, I wouldn't be afraid to make a few compromises.


Well that's a question I can't answer myself... let's say it's a possibility I don't exclude... I guess the future will tell...

Thank you guys for your answers... I will rest on those this night. :)

_____________________________

Gracias a Dios, tenemos el Flamenco !
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 29 2015 23:45:07
 
Dudnote

Posts: 1800
Joined: Nov. 13 2007
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to norumba2

quote:

ORIGINAL: norumba2
I went though a divorce after 22 years, because that was not there.
it is now, and im very blessed!

Happy to hear it worked out for you in the end norumba2. Perhaps I'm living through something similar to what you went through right now. My wife only just manages to tolerate "my affair" with flamenco and the guitar's out the case as soon as she's out the house. She's plain jealous and it can get grim. Luckily the kids nearly always request a solea at bed time otherwise I'd really be up the creak without a paddle.

Flaco, you're young and about to go hitch-hicking through Spain to learn about flamenco. Great opportunities lie ahead of you. This is going to be one incredible journey. Don't blow it all on a women who doesn't see the point and doesn't feel the burning need for music and dance in her life. But hey, there are women all over the world wanting to dance flamenco or playing music to very high standards - put your love of music first, stack up that practice time, get good at what you love and who knows, perhaps a strong lasting relationship might one day come your way. As always with flamenco - don't rush things and focus on the details. Good luck!!

_____________________________

Ay compañerita de mi alma
tú ahora no me conoces.
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 30 2015 4:25:27
 
flaco

 

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan. 13 2015
From: Cosmos

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Dudnote

Wow Dudnote, thank you so much !
I will !

All I can tell for the first part of your post is that your children appears to enjoy Flamenco (this is so cool, a Soleá to sleep !), I don't have kids but I guess that the fact they like what you do is a great motivation, no ?
Have you ever thought about teaching Flamenco to one of your children ? :)

_____________________________

Gracias a Dios, tenemos el Flamenco !
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 30 2015 9:27:14
 
Dudnote

Posts: 1800
Joined: Nov. 13 2007
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

quote:

ORIGINAL: flaco
All I can tell for the first part of your post is that your children appears to enjoy Flamenco (this is so cool, a Soleá to sleep !), I don't have kids but I guess that the fact they like what you do is a great motivation, no ?
Have you ever thought about teaching Flamenco to one of your children ? :)

Yeah they are cool and the glue that keeps our relationship together. I just wish there was more glue in it than just that. They do quite a lot of music activities, my girl does violin, my boy piano, both do cello, both do classical and jazz dance (I don't understand why it's called jazz), my boy does hip-hop. I recently bought a new guitar (will post a sound file if I get around to recording something decent) and my boy was excited because he would inherit the old guitar. They really like performing what they can do well, but often getting them to work in a focused way on technique is not easy at all and you can't over force things. Each time I show some technique to my boy his attention span lasts about 10 seconds. He does enjoy stamping along to Farru videos - perhaps one day they'll be a dancer in the Dudnote family

_____________________________

Ay compañerita de mi alma
tú ahora no me conoces.
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 30 2015 10:54:50
 
flaco

 

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan. 13 2015
From: Cosmos

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Dudnote

;)



Take a look at 2:49 !

Bon courage et bonne continuation !

_____________________________

Gracias a Dios, tenemos el Flamenco !
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date May 31 2015 9:48:54
 
gerundino63

Posts: 1680
Joined: Jul. 11 2003
From: The Netherlands

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Dear Flaco,

Being in love is another thing than a relation.
In a relation you respect each other and do not project your do's and don'ts to the other person.
You live your own live - together. Cooping with it and polish it on a dayly basis.

Do not fall in the trap that you make a " i did or accept this for you, now you have to do this or accept that from me" relation

Live you life, if you find a woman that you like, try to see her as your future best friend. If that feels ok, jump into the deep, coop with the relation and polish it on a dayly base......

This I would advice my 24 year old son.

Peter

_____________________________

  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 1 2015 3:43:18
 
norumba2

 

Posts: 37
Joined: May 20 2015
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Dudnote

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dudnote

Happy to hear it worked out for you in the end norumba2. Perhaps I'm living through something similar to what you went through right now. My wife only just manages to tolerate "my affair" with flamenco and the guitar's out the case as soon as she's out the house. She's plain jealous and it can get grim. Luckily the kids nearly always request a solea at bed time otherwise I'd really be up the creak without a paddle.



thanks, dudnote..it was crazy and i stayed in it for too long, perhaps for the kids sake, but eventually it reached a breaking point. There were other elements that brought the relationship to a grinding halt as well (economic stress, etc), but the constant effort of her trying to control and reign in my pursuits ( i found out later that she tried to sabotage tour plans, for example) isnt the basis for a good relationship. one should support each others dreams, not seek to destroy them.

im in a very successful relationship with our bass player now, she is awesome, and we both love what we do and that we each do it. :)

_____________________________

guitar - oud- fretless guitar
http://www.norumba.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 1 2015 6:30:00
 
Ricardo

Posts: 13331
Joined: Dec. 14 2004
From: Washington DC

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

well my life is pretty much 24/7 guitar and music. If not flamenco then I might be listening something else or watching concert, singing rock tunes etc. But mostly it's flamenco. After a couple bad experiences in college with chicks (listening to a tremolo passage my then time girlfriend was an opinionated opera student said she was annoyed by it...I was like NEXT! )...I made the conscious decision to go for ONLY flamenco chicks.

So now I am married to a flamenco dancer. She could be doing a lot of things with her talent but since I am so active it makes sense she is a pro dancer. But at home it's hard to play. For example just two days ago I am playing on the couch with kids watching TV and running around, wife comes down while I am playing and says..."Ok here is whats happening today....um.....Ok I can't stand talking over your damn guitar. I waited for you to finish your F...ing falseta and NOW you are starting ANOTHER ONE??? SERIOUSLY???!!!! F....K!!!"



So no matter what it can be tough to be in ANY kind of relationship. Although I have a friend, an older gentleman that told me he and his wife lived in separate but near by houses all week long and would meet up like on a date every weekend and hook up at either one's house. That's how they kept it fresh since kids are grown and gone. So...I am saving for another house!

_____________________________

CD's and transcriptions available here:
www.ricardomarlow.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 1 2015 15:46:37
 
Mark2

Posts: 1696
Joined: Jul. 12 2004
From: San Francisco

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

I did the two house thing for a while. I had a second home three hours away and the wife would often go there with the kids during the week in the summer and I'd go on the weekends. Gave me a lot of time to practice. It worked pretty well. My wife has always been supportive, and by that I don't mean she came to the gigs. She has always encouraged me to pursue music, and also other interests. I think when I was gigging a lot it made a difference that I used the money very consciously on my wife and kids. Took the sting out of being gone all day Saturday when I brought home the dough.

When you have a couple kids, doing a corporate might be the better decision for your family than hanging out at a juerga. I remember one night playing a snoozer solo gig and across the street some local flamencos were playing. I walked over on my break and saw that their gig was so much cooler even though mine paid way more. If you are single and no kids, don't let a partner determine your future. If you are married and have kids, they ARE your future. No regrets on my part. But since my wife doesn't know flamenco, she doesn't even wait for me to finish the falseta before sounding off. I'm looking forward to playing a corporate this week, but now the kids are grown and it's all about hanging out with my longtime band mates, playing some music, making a few bucks, and having a few laughs. I'll likely spend the money on the wife and kids.
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 1 2015 17:08:58
 
Richard Jernigan

Posts: 3218
Joined: Jan. 20 2004
From: Austin, Texas USA

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Being in love is an altered state of consciousness. Seriously, I mean it. There was an article recently in a scientific journal, but I don't remember where, about the hormonal changes and psychological effects.

Now from personal experience--I'm 77 and I've been in love a few times. When people are in love they emphasize personality characteristics they believe (or intuit) will be attractive, and repress those that the beloved may find less desirable. So the person you fall in love with is not the same person that he or she will be when the high emotion wears off, nor are you the same person that will emerge or re-emerge later. Your judgment is clouded.

This is not to knock being in love. The intense emotion and bonding can be the foundation of a lasting relationship, but it can't be the only element of a long term one.

One of the potential drawbacks of an intense and long lasting love affair can be the suppression of fundamental differences. If you have no experience in recognizing and adjusting to differences with the loved one, they can be disruptive when they spring into full view.

A lasting relationship inevitably involves a certain amount of compromise. If you recognize a major incompatibility, one that you feel is insurmountable, particularly if you can recognize this even when you are seriously in love, it bodes ill for a long lasting relationship.

Not all relationships absolutely have to be long term. I divorced at age fifty and made an unexpected discovery. There were beautiful and lively girls in their early twenties who wanted a combination boyfriend and Daddy, who didn't want to get married. It was fun while it lasted.

If your concern is just that you are distracted from flamenco by being completely obsessed with the one you are in love with, relax. You will get over it.

At age nineteen it may not seem that way, but you can take my word for it.

But you can also take my word for the fact that there is nothing more rewarding than caring for another person whom you respect, admire and to whom you feel a long term commitment.

When I was the boss of a few hundred people, I occasionally would suggest to someone that the order of priority ought to be 1) Your own health. Without it you are no use to yourself or anyone else. 2) Your loved ones. 3)Your livelihood, especially if others depend upon you for theirs. 4)The rest. Of course 1), 2), 3) and 4) interact, but the order of priority comes into play if you have to make a hard choice.

RNJ
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 2 2015 17:49:53
 
Leñador

Posts: 5237
Joined: Jun. 8 2012
From: Los Angeles

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

quote:

I did the two house thing for a while.


My girlfriend stays at her parents house 2-3 nights a week. She's done this since college.When we were first dating and lived far from each other I hated it because it would mean I may not see her for 4-5 days at a time due to geography, my work & obligations etc. Now that we live together, it's so nice! 2-3 nights a week I get my alone nights. I've lived with 4 other women in the past and this set up has made it SO much easier. Highly recommend it

_____________________________

\m/
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 2 2015 19:49:17
 
Miguel de Maria

Posts: 3527
Joined: Oct. 20 2003
From: Phoenix, AZ

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Leñador

You lived with 4 women. Damn...

_____________________________

Connect with me on Facebook, all the cool kids are doing it.
https://www.facebook.com/migueldemariaZ


Arizona Wedding Music Guitar
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 2 2015 20:33:21
 
Leñador

Posts: 5237
Joined: Jun. 8 2012
From: Los Angeles

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Hah, I tend to jump into things lolol, one from when I was 19/20 another one from 21/22 another 23-26 another around age 27 and now my current.
The first one I lived with was actually a house with 4 other girls there, that was a mess!! Five 19 years old girls in a house together is hilarious to watch from the outside but rough to live through, all fighting EVERY day.....

_____________________________

\m/
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 2 2015 20:55:01
 
Escribano

Posts: 6321
Joined: Jul. 6 2003
From: England, living in Italy

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Richard Jernigan

Spot on Richard. My wife does not want anything to do with my interests (tech., cars, guitars, photography) - so she lets me get on with them. As long as she does not unreasonably drag on my attention out of jealousy, it suits me fine.

I would be doing such things whether I was in a relationship or not, but I am happier in a relationship.

I gave up playing on flamenco guitar because a 'proper job' just did not give enough time.

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Foro Flamenco founder and Admin
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 3 2015 11:08:54
 
estebanana

Posts: 8324
Joined: Oct. 16 2009
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Leñador

quote:

I've lived with 4 other women in the past and this set up has made it SO much easier. Highly recommend it


God you're a bigger man slut than me. Almost.

_____________________________

https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 3 2015 13:23:19
 
estebanana

Posts: 8324
Joined: Oct. 16 2009
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

I don't think too much about whether my work is understood by others or partners any longer. As you go along this can become less and less important, and partners can change. But a few things need to be in place and tended to before you can get settled into yourself.

Like many have said if you have family, don't be a douche bag and wash out your family life. Make money, but save some good time for yourself to do your thing.

In the long haul of a creative life some artists, writers, otherwise creative people are lucky to find a life partner that gets what they are doing, many of us do not. Or a change in personnel happens and the new person in your life might not understand your work in the way someone who was with you at a formative phase will understand.

_____________

Some things I have learned about creative work and relationships:

Be brave when no one supports you intellectually or does not get your work. Keep it close your yourself, but don't get mad at partners who don't get your trip. This can take a lot of patience, but the learned patience can help your work. Think of it as part of your discipline.

Make a community of people who do understand what you are doing creatively and keep it glued together before, during and after relationships go through changes. Your artistic mentors and friends who see you for who you are, they are invaluable. You may love your family and all that, but these folks that tend to you are your creative angels. You exchange that angel duty with them.

If you ever find yourself hung out to dry, without community, without ideas, in creative despair, call one of those creatives you trust and confide in them.

Don't pick these people lightly. Don't be afraid to cut out negative people from your interior circle, or let them have negative contact with your insides. If you feel someone is vibing you put some distance between yourself and them.

_________________

Love will ambush you, and you may or may not get the person who gets your art life completely. But if you do, Hooray. You have to build a second family that is your art family, it's absolutely essential that you do this even if you find the person who who sees and hears the same way you do and it completes you both. If that person leaves or gets taken away, your art family will pick up the pieces of you that are left and help you reconstruct yourself. Your biological family will help too and your non art friends will also be there for you, but there is something about the art-music family, an unspoken understanding that you share, and maybe it will save your life for them to transmit the spark back to you when you are down and out.

Biological family, fall in love family, art music family. Keep it all in mind.

_____________________________

https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 3 2015 14:10:04
 
HemeolaMan

Posts: 1514
Joined: Jul. 13 2007
From: Chicago

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Unless she/he's the one for sure, don't quit doing what makes you you.

I've too often compromised on this. I'm a long term relationship guy. At the end of the day, I pretty often neglected my urge to make music or art or create things. What do you get for it? Nothing. Just less of what makes you who you are and who you want to be.

I sure enjoyed my time with those girlfriends and I wouldn't trade the good memories for anything. But, to be fair, much of the time I chose them over my music we did not have good times.

I think it's not relevant whether your Significant Other is a musician or knows anything about music. If she/he is then that's awesome. If not then I've always found it helpful to be with someone who was at least interested to learn about the thing that I most self identify with.

And I also agree with what Stephen said ^^

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  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 3 2015 14:44:50
 
estebanana

Posts: 8324
Joined: Oct. 16 2009
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Hemi,

The nurse you dated really freaked me out when she told over a steak dinner that when men reach 90 this thing that happens to them and their balls turn into pancakes.

She was cute, but when she said "balls turn to pancakes" It ruined pancakes for me for some time. And I'm still reeling from the trauma of knowing that when I am 90 I might have to douse my "pancake" in maple syrup to attract a young woman.

Nurses can be so visceral.

_____________________________

https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 3 2015 16:28:54
 
Richard Jernigan

Posts: 3218
Joined: Jan. 20 2004
From: Austin, Texas USA

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to estebanana

I agree with Estebanana about the three families. If you're really into your work--I was--not just slogging away at something boring to put bread on the table, you can put "work family" in place of his advice about artistic family.

Nurses. When I was in grad school some of my pals and I dated student nurses for a while. This was late 50s, early '60s. The student nurses were more down to earth than many of the local coeds about a lot of things , including sex.

Some of us had sailboats on Lake Travis, a fair sized lake quite close to Austin. One thing we noticed was that in the summer time you could rely upon the wind to die at sunset and not to pick up again for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. If you managed to be out in the middle of the lake at sunset, there was nothing to do for a couple of hours except drink beer and make out.

Three couples happened to be aboard my boat at sunset. When the wind picked up again after a couple of hours, it came on strong. Not being perfectly attentive, we almost capsized, the mast spreaders actually touched the water. After we got back upright, one of the girls said, "That was fun--let's do it again!"

One of my pals answered, "Spoken like a true student nurse!"

RNJ
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 4 2015 3:30:25
 
BarkellWH

Posts: 3308
Joined: Jul. 12 2009
From: Washington, DC

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to Richard Jernigan

Regarding relationships and staying focused, very early on I decided that I would pursue my goals in life, in terms of both career and personal fulfillment (the two were not mutually exclusive), and that I would not allow love interests or relationships to deter me. I saw a few of my friends who had settled down and started families, and although they appeared to be reasonably happy, I could tell they fell short (even by their own standards) of the dreams they once held for the future.

I dated one girl for a while until we were invited to dinner by a couple I had gone to high school with, and at dinner the guy said he wanted to go back to university and get a Master's in Engineering. After we left the dinner, the girl I was dating made a comment (referring to our host) along the lines of, "Why can't he settle down and be happy with what he's got?" Not wanting to start an argument I remained tight-lipped until we reached her home. Parked in her driveway, I could hold back no longer and said, "If you cannot understand someone who wants to fulfill his dream and escape a possible life of mediocrity, then you don't understand me either." After some debate, argument, and angry tears on her part, it was ended.

One of the earliest literary influences on me was T.S. Elliot's famous poem, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," about a middle-aged man attending a party who reflects on the mediocre life he has led, never taking chances, always afraid of approaching a woman, never fulfilling any ambition that might be larger than himself. The following lines are representative of the poem as a whole.

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

and the coup de grace:

"For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?"

What killer lines. I vowed I never wanted to reach middle age and, looking back, sum up my life with, "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."

Teddy Roosevelt's words from his, "The Man in the Arena" are apt as well.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I am neither a T.S. Elliot nor a Teddy Roosevelt, but their words have been an inspiration to me my whole life.

Bill

_____________________________

And the end of the fight is a tombstone white,
With the name of the late deceased,
And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here,
Who tried to hustle the East."

--Rudyard Kipling
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 4 2015 20:51:44
 
norumba2

 

Posts: 37
Joined: May 20 2015
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to BarkellWH

quote:

ORIGINAL: BarkellWH

Regarding relationships and staying focused, very early on I decided that I would pursue my goals in life, in terms of both career and personal fulfillment (the two were not mutually exclusive), and that I would not allow love interests or relationships to deter me. I saw a few of my friends who had settled down and started families, and although they appeared to be reasonably happy, I could tell they fell short (even by their own standards) of the dreams they once held for the future.

I dated one girl for a while until we were invited to dinner by a couple I had gone to high school with, and at dinner the guy said he wanted to go back to university and get a Master's in Engineering. After we left the dinner, the girl I was dating made a comment (referring to our host) along the lines of, "Why can't he settle down and be happy with what he's got?" Not wanting to start an argument I remained tight-lipped until we reached her home. Parked in her driveway, I could hold back no longer and said, "If you cannot understand someone who wants to fulfill his dream and escape a possible life of mediocrity, then you don't understand me either." After some debate, argument, and angry tears on her part, it was ended.

One of the earliest literary influences on me was T.S. Elliot's famous poem, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," about a middle-aged man attending a party who reflects on the mediocre life he has led, never taking chances, always afraid of approaching a woman, never fulfilling any ambition that might be larger than himself. The following lines are representative of the poem as a whole.

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

and the coup de grace:

"For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?"

What killer lines. I vowed I never wanted to reach middle age and, looking back, sum up my life with, "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."

Teddy Roosevelt's words from his, "The Man in the Arena" are apt as well.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I am neither a T.S. Elliot nor a Teddy Roosevelt, but their words have been an inspiration to me my whole life.

Bill

this is exactly why i got divorced after 22 years. i love my kids that we had, but the marriage itself was such a derailment to my path and career. im fighting like mad to regain it.

_____________________________

guitar - oud- fretless guitar
http://www.norumba.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 5 2015 7:08:49
 
estebanana

Posts: 8324
Joined: Oct. 16 2009
 

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to flaco

Eat the peach, Bill.

In reference to Elliot.

_____________________________

https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 5 2015 7:30:05
 
Richard Jernigan

Posts: 3218
Joined: Jan. 20 2004
From: Austin, Texas USA

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to BarkellWH

quote:

ORIGINAL: BarkellWH

Regarding relationships and staying focused, very early on I decided that I would pursue my goals in life, in terms of both career and personal fulfillment (the two were not mutually exclusive), and that I would not allow love interests or relationships to deter me.


For me it was not a conscious decision. It was more like fate. When my wife and I were breaking up --fairly amicably--I said to her, "If you fall in love again, choose someone who is better at taking orders than I am."

Usually decorous in speech, she replied with an uncharacteristic phrase, "I married you because you were smart, good looking, sexy, adventurous and I was madly in love with you. At age 50 you're still a wild son of a bitch."

She's re-married, apparently happily, to one of my best friends, the only one of the old gang who is better off financially than I am. It's the right place for her, in my opinion. I am glad they seem to be happy and compatible. She always rebelled against her land owning Old South background, and made fun of the milieu, but she retains some of its hauteur. Someone asked me whether her new husband was good at taking orders. I replied, "Well, at least he is far more graceful in evading them than I ever was."

RNJ
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 5 2015 18:14:31
 
BarkellWH

Posts: 3308
Joined: Jul. 12 2009
From: Washington, DC

RE: Being in a relationship and stay... (in reply to estebanana

quote:

Eat the peach, Bill.


Unlike Elliot's Prufrock, Wolfman Jack, who used to broadcast from a station with a powerful transmitter located in Ciudad Acuna, Mexico (across the border from Del Riio, Texas), was neither timid nor mediocre. I remember one girl calling in and telling Wolfman Jack how much she enjoyed his program. The Wolfman asked her name and then said, "I want your peaches, baby!"

I don't think that's what Elliot had in mind when he has Prufrock rhetorically ask, "Do I dare eat a peach?"

Bill

_____________________________

And the end of the fight is a tombstone white,
With the name of the late deceased,
And the epitaph drear, "A fool lies here,
Who tried to hustle the East."

--Rudyard Kipling
  REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |  Date Jun. 5 2015 22:44:53
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