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Guest -> [Deleted] (Feb. 24 2008 6:26:45)
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Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 24 2008 7:27:08)
Went to the Doctor. I said "Doctor it really hurts when I do this with my arm". Doctor, "Then don't do that with your arm". Doctor, "Get up on the table". Patient, "Why?" Doctor, "'Cos I want to sweep up". (Tommy Cooper classics![:D]) cheers, Ron

Escribano -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 24 2008 7:34:54)
Man: "I truly believe I am a moth" Doctor: "But I am not a psychiatrist, why do you think I can be of help?" Man: "I dunno, I was just passing and saw your light was on"

John O. -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 24 2008 22:04:11)
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Mister, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr... President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Doitsujin -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 24 2008 22:45:07)
Damn... I just know gayjokes and think they are not good for the foro..[&:]

Pimientito -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 28 2008 0:12:21)
JE JE JE These are real anecdotes Doctor: Please strip to the waist (leaves room to answer phone) Comes back in - patient is standing in room wearing nothing but his T shirt [:D] Elderly deaf patient blushes after physical examination Doctor (shouting): I said YOUVE GOT ACUTE ANGINA Doctor: Do you have any pain when you pass water? Patient : No, but I do get a bit dizzy if I cross a bridge! Doctor: Yes, that was very loud Mr Smith...I said I wanted to listen to your HEART.

c -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Feb. 29 2008 16:10:45)
Lawyer vs. Cop A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! Glasgow cop says, 'License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

TANúñez -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 1 2008 6:34:15)
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad. His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

Bogdan1980 -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 1 2008 8:08:35)
That was awesome!

Guest -> [Deleted] (Mar. 1 2008 8:22:19)
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Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 1 2008 8:52:28)
Good Jokes, When I used to hang around Plaza de Sta Ana in Madrid in my youth, my friend Fernando used to always make me laugh when he was in in semi-depressed and miserable mood. I'd say "Hola Fernando.... Que pasa?" To which he'd reply.. "Pasa Agua" [:D][:D] This is what I like about foreign languages....you can't say that in English. cheers, Ron

Georg -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 1 2008 8:56:26)
A man walks around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asks: "Excuse me. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student replies in an arrogant tone: "I am sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiles, and replies in a very apologetic tone , "I beg your pardon. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, @sshole?"

Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 9 2008 8:43:23)
Confucious he say... "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky, but man with hole in both pockets no feel too cocky". cheers, Ron

Pimientito -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 9 2008 10:42:18)
A thief breaks into an appartment one night and is rifling through the desk in the living room when, in the darkness, he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" He stops immediately and swings his torchlight around the room but sees noone. Thinking his imagination is playing tricks, he goes back to looking through drawers again. Moments later he hears the same voice "Jesus is watching you!" Now he becomes nervous. Someone is in the room with him. He looks round the room with his torch and sees nothing but a covered bird cage in the corner. Steadily, he removes the cover to reveal a large green parrot. "did you speak just now?" asked the thief "why yes" squaked the parrot."I said, Jesus is watching you" The thief let out a small sigh of relief, just a crazy old bird. "whats your name then?" the thief asked the parrot "Moses " the parrot replied "ha, ha, what kind of people would call a parrot Moses" chuckled the thief "the same kind who would call a Rottweiler Jesus" replied the parrot.

Ricardo -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 9 2008 20:05:41)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ron.M Good Jokes, When I used to hang around Plaza de Sta Ana in Madrid in my youth, my friend Fernando used to always make me laugh when he was in in semi-depressed and miserable mood. I'd say "Hola Fernando.... Que pasa?" To which he'd reply.. "Pasa Agua" [:D][:D] When friends approach me with "Hey what's up?", I often reply "It's a direction". Takes em a minute or they say 'huh?" several times. Then they get it and are really annoyed. OK here's an old one. One day a little Indian boy, a bit troubled, went to his father, Chief-Hunting-Bear, and asked him "father, how do we get our names?". The chief replied. "Well...for example, the morning your sister was born, I looked in the sky and saw an Eagle fly overhead, so her name is 'Eagle-Flys-Over'. And your older brother, when he was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw were two deers running toward the forrest. So his name is 'Two-Deers-Running'. Why do you ask, young 'Pooping-Dog'?".

Ricardo -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 9 2008 20:33:36)
A man went to a specialty gift shop to find a present for his wife, for their anniversary. After much time searching, he went to the store clerk for help. "I am tired of getting the same old boring gifts. I want to get my wife something really different, really unique. Can you help me?". The store clerk looked very excited. "As a matter of fact, I just got something in, brand new!". He looked around the store to make sure other customers were not watching, and went down behind the counter. He came back up with a wooden box. "What is it?" the man asked. "Open it up." The clerk whispered. The man opened it and saw a golden dildo. "What the hell??" he looked surprised. The clerk quickly responded, "this is not what you think, this the 'F...ing Monster!'. The man looked skeptical. "Ok...so what is the big deal?". The clerk said "watch this". With a commanding voice he said "F...ing Monster... THE CHAIR!". Suddenly, the thing jumped out of the box, flew through the air, and started going to town on the chair leg. "Holy smokes that is awesome!" the Man said. He bought it right away and excitedly brought it home. On their anniversary he excitedly presented the box. After his wife opend it she looked disturbed. "Um....ok....what is THIS?" The man replied "no, no honey it is not what you think, this is the F...ing Monster!". She looked bewildered. Watch this..." He said. Again with a commanding voice, the man said "F...ing Monster, THE COUCH!". And sure enough the thing jumped out of the box, flew through the air, and went to town on the sofa. His wife started laughing, "Oh my gosh that is so COOL, my friends at work are going to love this!". The next day she drove to work and remembered to bring her new gift. As she was driving alone, she had a thought. She opened the box, and said "hmm, F...ing Monster....ME!". Sure enough it jumped out of the box and did it's thing. She was having such a great moment, she lost control of the car and hit a telephone pole. As luck would have it, a Police officer was driving past and saw the accident and pulled up. He saw that she was still conscious. "Mam, are you alright?". She looked rather out of it. "Oh, my, yes I am ok...". The officer asked "Have you been drinking mam?" She replied very worried, "No no no officer, it wasn't me, it was, it was...the F...ing monster!". The Officer looked annoyed "OH, sure, right....F...ING MONSTER MY ASS!"

Pimientito -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 10 2008 3:13:41)
.....I dont get it!![:D][:D] Did the cop have a donkey???

andresito -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 17 2008 10:47:32)
Hans: "My dog doesn't eat meat". Klaus: "Why?" Hans: "I don't give him any".

JBASHORUN -> [Deleted] (Mar. 17 2008 22:09:28)
Post has been moved to the Recycle Bin at Apr. 11 2011 16:49:47

Francisco -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 18 2008 16:25:16)
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]

andresito -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 19 2008 10:46:22)
hehehehe [:D]

Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Mar. 22 2008 19:52:18)
Q: What's a dossier? A: A French tramp. Also... If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs... Then maybe you haven't quite grasped the reality of the situation. [:D][:D] cheers, Ron

Haizum -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 24 2008 10:26:29)
An old women is reading vogue and the article in it explains that the older woman get the bigger their vagina gets. So she decides to see if this is true. She goes into the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, drops her knickers and takes a look. Her husband happens to walk past and looks in. Seeing his wife he runs into the bathroom and rugby tackles her to the floor. she cries out 'You stupid bastard you nearly broke me arm', 'Broke ya arm' he says, 'Broke ya arm, if ya fell down there ya'd have broken ya neck'

kovachian -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 25 2008 9:42:49)
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" the doctor asks. "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 25 2008 11:27:39)
HaHaHa!, Probably made of velvet to a bull too...[:D] cheers, Ron

Ron.M -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 25 2008 11:58:31)
The funniest joke of the year to me is that one from Tony Arnold.. "A true Gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't." [:D][:D][:D] The bagpipe story was also ace.[:D] cheers, Ron

mark indigo -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 27 2008 3:14:54)
um... man goes to see shrink wearing nothing but clingfilm underpants shrink says "i can clearly see your nuts" what do you call 2 spanish firemen? José and hose B... what did the spanish farmer say to his chickens? oh-lay dyslexic man walks into a bra....

koella -> RE: for our american friends here.... (Oct. 27 2008 3:20:22)
That's funny Mark. Too bad noone here in Holland will understand them when I tell them.[&:]

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