A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Full Version)

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RobF -> A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 26 2021 5:31:39)

Bartender says, “We don’t see too many grasshoppers in here...hey, ya know we have a drink named after you?”

Grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘George’?”


Kaaaa-dah-thumpppp....



RobF -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 26 2021 5:32:45)

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”


...Crickets....



RobF -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 26 2021 5:34:09)

A string is about to walk into a bar when he sees a sign saying “Strings not served here!”

So, he ties himself into a bow and frazzles up his ends and walks in.

Bartender says, “Sayyy....aren’t you a string?”

String replies, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”


...Cymbal falls off stand....



RobF -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 26 2021 5:44:04)

An old guy shuffles into a bar and asks for a drink to go.

Bartender says, “Here ya go, buddy. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Old guy looks offended and yells, “I’ve got false teeth! Isn’t that bad enough??”


...I’ve got more, but they don’t get any better....



BarkellWH -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 26 2021 12:46:43)

Henry Ford dies and appears before Saint Peter attempting to gain entry to heaven.

Saint Peter: "In order to enter heaven you must have done something worthwhile during your life on earth. What have you done?"

Henry Ford: "I invented the mass-produced automobile. What did you do to earn your exalted position guarding the gates of heaven?"

Saint Peter: "I invented woman."

Henry Ford: "Not bad engineering, but you placed the intake a little too close to the exhaust."

Bill



rombsix -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 4:23:31)

quote:

An old guy shuffles into a bar and asks for a drink to go.

Bartender says, “Here ya go, buddy. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Old guy looks offended and yells, “I’ve got false teeth! Isn’t that bad enough??”


I didn't get this one...



Richard Jernigan -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 4:53:33)

A New Yorker walks into a hotel bar in Texas. A Texan at the bar is soon bending his ear about the superiority of the state, especially about how everything is bigger there.

After four double shots of whiskey, the northerner asks directions to the men's room.

"Out that door, down the hall. Through the door to the outside, turn left at the swimming pool."

In his somewhat elevated state, the New Yorker misses his footing and falls into the pool.

After a half hour the Texan begins to be concerned. He follows the path to the men's room. Arriving at poolside he finds the New Yorker thrashing about in the water, crying out, "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

RNJ



Escribano -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 9:37:59)

quote:

I didn't get this one...


For his bladder [8|]



rombsix -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 13:53:58)

quote:

For his bladder


Ufff... that was far-fetched. In my part of the world, people pee in plastic bottles, not nylon bags (as we call them).

But on a similar note, Lebanese people make jokes about Syrian people from Homs as being very dumb folks. (Of course, they're not all that way, so whoaaaa there tiger, in case you're hyper-sensitive)

One time my cousin was there and bought some milk at a store (that came in a glass bottle). My cousin asked the store clerk to put the milk in a plastic bag for him so he could carry the bottle more easily.

The clerk proceeded to empty the actual milk from the sealed glass bottle directly into the plastic bag then gave him the wobbly plastic bag full of milk.



BarkellWH -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 14:32:55)

Those who remember Charo in her heyday (who, by the way, was and is a very good guitarist) will recall her use of salty language. She once equated eating with sex by noting: "Spooning leads to forking!"

Words to live by, especially with her accent.

Bill



RobF -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 17:49:54)

quote:

Ufff... that was far-fetched.... But on a similar note, Lebanese people make jokes about Syrian people from Homs...

Normally I shy away from explaining my bad jokes, but in this case the reference was to a part of the male anatomy. But, maybe it is a regional thing (...another joke, hehehe....nether).[8D]

In truth, the jokes were just a vehicle for the thread, which was a mini vignette about a comedian bombing at a club. I dunno, it was 3AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep, lol.[:(]



Estevan -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 27 2021 23:35:50)

quote:

Normally I shy away from explaining my bad jokes, but in this case the reference was to a part of the male anatomy. But, maybe it is a regional thing (...another joke, hehehe....nether).

Indeed, not just the 'nether regions' but the Netherlands. I first came across what I think is the original version of this plastic bag/false teeth quip in a passage from a short story by a Dutch author, whose name escapes me, who (iirc) was particularly associated with portrayals of Amsterdam characters.
This one was a retort by a cranky vendor at a fruit stall to a customer who was buying some apples and asked "Do you have a plastic bag?" "No!" he replied "I have false teeth, isn't that bad enough?"
(That way it actually makes more sense). I laughed a lot.

By the way folks, RobF is here all week...
[;)]



estebanana -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 28 2021 0:48:13)

quote:

Henry Ford dies and appears before Saint Peter attempting to gain entry to heaven.

Saint Peter: "In order to enter heaven you must have done something worthwhile during your life on earth. What have you done?"

Henry Ford: "I invented the mass-produced automobile. What did you do to earn your exalted position guarding the gates of heaven?"

Saint Peter: "I invented woman."

Henry Ford: "Not bad engineering, but you placed the intake a little too close to the exhaust."

Bill

_____________________________



There’s a coda to this joke, if I may:

SP- Well Mr. Ford, the performance depends upon your dexterity with the stick. Now then, do you have a reservation here?



estebanana -> RE: A grasshopper walks into a bar. (Apr. 28 2021 0:53:35)

Always hike with a friend for mutual safety, the buddy system saves lives. For example when you are attacked by a bear there’s no need to run faster than the bear if you are to survive the attack, you simply have to run faster than your friend.



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