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John O.
Posts: 1723
Joined: Dec. 16 2005
From: Seeheim-Jugenheim, Germany
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 RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Escribano)
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Mister, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr... President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked hiding inside a refrigerator..."
_____________________________
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
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REPORT THIS POST AS INAPPROPRIATE |
Date Feb. 24 2008 22:04:11
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c
Posts: 320
Joined: Nov. 20 2005
From: manitoba, canada
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RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Ron.M)
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Lawyer vs. Cop
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, 'License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair.
Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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Date Feb. 29 2008 16:10:45
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TANúñez
Posts: 2559
Joined: Jul. 10 2003
From: TEXAS
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RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to TANúñez)
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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad.
His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”
_____________________________
Tom Núñez
www.instagram.com/tanunezguitars
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Date Mar. 1 2008 6:34:15
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Ricardo
Posts: 14819
Joined: Dec. 14 2004
From: Washington DC
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RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Ron.M)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ron.M
Good Jokes,
When I used to hang around Plaza de Sta Ana in Madrid in my youth, my friend Fernando used to always make me laugh when he was in in semi-depressed and miserable mood.
I'd say "Hola Fernando.... Que pasa?"
To which he'd reply..
"Pasa Agua"
When friends approach me with "Hey what's up?", I often reply "It's a direction". Takes em a minute or they say 'huh?" several times. Then they get it and are really annoyed.
OK here's an old one.
One day a little Indian boy, a bit troubled, went to his father, Chief-Hunting-Bear, and asked him "father, how do we get our names?". The chief replied.
"Well...for example, the morning your sister was born, I looked in the sky and saw an Eagle fly overhead, so her name is 'Eagle-Flys-Over'. And your older brother, when he was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw were two deers running toward the forrest. So his name is 'Two-Deers-Running'. Why do you ask, young 'Pooping-Dog'?".
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Date Mar. 9 2008 20:05:41
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Ricardo
Posts: 14819
Joined: Dec. 14 2004
From: Washington DC
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RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Ricardo)
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A man went to a specialty gift shop to find a present for his wife, for their anniversary. After much time searching, he went to the store clerk for help. "I am tired of getting the same old boring gifts. I want to get my wife something really different, really unique. Can you help me?". The store clerk looked very excited. "As a matter of fact, I just got something in, brand new!". He looked around the store to make sure other customers were not watching, and went down behind the counter. He came back up with a wooden box. "What is it?" the man asked. "Open it up." The clerk whispered. The man opened it and saw a golden dildo. "What the hell??" he looked surprised.
The clerk quickly responded, "this is not what you think, this the 'F...ing Monster!'. The man looked skeptical. "Ok...so what is the big deal?". The clerk said "watch this". With a commanding voice he said "F...ing Monster... THE CHAIR!". Suddenly, the thing jumped out of the box, flew through the air, and started going to town on the chair leg.
"Holy smokes that is awesome!" the Man said. He bought it right away and excitedly brought it home. On their anniversary he excitedly presented the box. After his wife opend it she looked disturbed. "Um....ok....what is THIS?" The man replied "no, no honey it is not what you think, this is the F...ing Monster!". She looked bewildered. Watch this..." He said. Again with a commanding voice, the man said "F...ing Monster, THE COUCH!". And sure enough the thing jumped out of the box, flew through the air, and went to town on the sofa.
His wife started laughing, "Oh my gosh that is so COOL, my friends at work are going to love this!". The next day she drove to work and remembered to bring her new gift. As she was driving alone, she had a thought. She opened the box, and said "hmm, F...ing Monster....ME!". Sure enough it jumped out of the box and did it's thing. She was having such a great moment, she lost control of the car and hit a telephone pole.
As luck would have it, a Police officer was driving past and saw the accident and pulled up. He saw that she was still conscious. "Mam, are you alright?". She looked rather out of it. "Oh, my, yes I am ok...". The officer asked "Have you been drinking mam?" She replied very worried, "No no no officer, it wasn't me, it was, it was...the F...ing monster!". The Officer looked annoyed "OH, sure, right....F...ING MONSTER MY ASS!"
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Date Mar. 9 2008 20:33:36
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kovachian
Posts: 506
Joined: Jan. 30 2008
From: Americanistan
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RE: for our american friends here.... (in reply to Guest)
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
_____________________________
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
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Date Oct. 25 2008 9:42:49
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