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RE: F*** the rich
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estebanana
Posts: 9351
Joined: Oct. 16 2009
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 RE: F*** the rich (in reply to Don Dionisio)
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I agree with Don and Wiking, which is why I give you, more viola jokes:
THE COMPLETE ENGLISH MUSICAL
DICTIONARY FOR THE VIOLA
Definitions:
• A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
• accidentals: as applied to the viola - wrong notes.
• ad libitum: a premiere of a new viola piece.
• agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
• altos: Alistair’s toes - not to be confused with "Tom's toes" or "Dori-toes".
• arpeggio: The result of an overshoot of note intervals when a viola student tries
to play a scale.
• audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic
intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
• augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
• bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a viola or
two.
• bass clef: where you land up if you fall off the alto clef.
• bassoon: a double-bassist with a bad case of gas.
• beat: what viola students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat
is performed more on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
• big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players, which
obviouslt help to cover up the viola player’s meagre efforts.
• bossa nova: the car your principal oboe of your orchestra drives.
• broken consort: when the viola player in the ensemble has to leave to go to the
bathroom.
• cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but a viola carries on.
• cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums when the principal
conductor comes to the house.
• cantus firmus: the part a violist gets when he can still play only four notes.
• cello: the proper way for a dreaming violist to answer the phone.
• chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
• clef: something to jump from before a viola solo.
• conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time,
even a viola section.
• crescendo: a reminder to the violist that he has been playing too loudly.
• crotchet: like knitting, but faster. .
• cut time:
1. parole.
2. when everyone else is playing twice as fast as the viola section.
• detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
• diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes for violists.
• diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
• French horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4
a.m.
• glissando: a technique adopted by viola players for difficult runs.
• half step: the pace used by a viola player when carrying his instrument.
• interval: how long it takes a viola player to find the right note. There are three
basic kinds:
1. Major interval: a very long time.
2. Minor interval: a few bars.
3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
• intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
Middle Ages, and recommended for viola players, and thereby ‘rest’ their
instrument for a while.
• isorhythmic motet: when half of the viola section got given a different edition
from the other half.
• lamentoso: viola solo so bad that ir should be accompanied with handkerchiefs.
• major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That
was a major scale!"
• metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
• middle C: the only fruit drink violists can afford when work is ‘normal’.
• minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal
schooling.
• music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the viola players of
the orchestra (amongst others!), the result of which is surprisingly clapped by
the audience.
• oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
• order of sharps: what a viola player gets at the bar.
• passing tone: a piece of paper frequently seen being handed over by back desk
violists, trying to flirt with a nearby wind player.
• preparatory beat: a threat made to the viola section in especial i.e., play, or
else....
• perfect fifth: 1) a full bottle of Jack Daniels. 2) the smooth coating on a freshly
paved road.
• pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".
• plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors"
• portamento: fanciful journey to a foreign country a violist has always wanted to
experience, but doesn’t know how to get there.
• quarter tone: a most useful note, more widely played by means of intuition by
viola players than by any other instrument.
• quaver: with what you begin the fourth year viola class.
• recitative: a disease that surely Monteverdi had.
• relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
• relative minor: a girlfriend.
• repeat: what a violist does until he is finally expelled.
• risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct
tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
• ritard: there's one in every family, but probably various in a violist’s family.
• ritornello: a Verdi opera. .
• senza sordino: a term used to remind the viola player that he forgot to put his
mute on a few measures/bars back.
• stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ, but what comes so naturally to
a present-day violist.
• string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone
who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about the music of
composers.
• subito piano: indicates an opportunity for the back desks of violas to become
soloists.
• supertonic: the drink of Schweppes for the orchestral interval.
• tempo: good choice for ‘ticking over’ speed on a used car.
• tenor: 1) two hours before a nooner. 2) A normal viola player’s fee.
• time signature: what you need from your managing director or librarian if you
forget to get to rehearsal on time.
• transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too
low for the violas to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
• transpositions: 1) men who wear dresses. 2) An advanced technique where you
change from viola to violin fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
• transsectional: a viola who moves to the second violin section (very rare, of
course).
• tuba: a compound word: originally indicating the speed with which viola
players can play in ‘two bars’ (therefore the number of notes).
• tutti: as applied to viola - a lot of fakers at the same moment.
• whole note: what's due to be paid by a violist after failing to pay the mortgage
for a year.
• vibrato: a most interesting effect used by violists to hide the fact that they are
on the wrong pitch.
• virtuoso: a violist with very high morals.
_____________________________
https://www.stephenfaulkguitars.com
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Date Jun. 3 2014 4:15:49
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